Jokes

A

Anonymous

Guest
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way
to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in
packs of eight.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

in 2002 eight Brits have cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!
(Was one of them Boo on Saturday night[?])[:D]


Adrian.

OOOOHHH! Those stripes look really cool!![:eek:)]
 

gtirpulsar

New Member
1. Women always wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy f'cks.
11. People in the 70s couldn't f'ck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's arse.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of sh!t out of you if you shove your c'ck in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's c'cks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before f'cking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's c'ck, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are always clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's arse is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a c'ck there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.


Adrian.

OOOOHHH! Those stripes look really cool!!

Kev
Calebs' is blacker than Jims
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Sorry Caleb[:I]

Adrian.

OOOOHHH! Those stripes look really cool!![:eek:)]
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
quote:My names Kev!

Sorry Kevleb [:D]

Adrian.

OOOOHHH! Those stripes look really cool!![:eek:)]
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.

A couple is lying nude in bed. The man says, as he moves closer, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Joe goes to his optometrist to have his eyes examined.
The doctor tells him, "Joe, you've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why, Doc?" Joe asked. "Am I going blind?"
"No," said the optometrist.
"But you're upsetting my other patients!"

Q: Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
A: After you leave, they stay and talk to her.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
A: Half a cat.

Q. What's the greatest thing about having a woman for Prime Minister?
A. We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

Q: What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies?
A: BINGO.

If you upset your wife she nags you.
If you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?


Adrian.

OOOOHHH! Those stripes look really cool!![:eek:)]
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Obviously won't apply to any of the women that use this site !!


The HSBC Bank is now installing new 'Drive -Thru' cash point machines at some of their branches, where customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

The following are instructions for their use..


MALE CUSTOMERS

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Wind down car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN number.

4. Enter amount, and withdraw cash.

5. Retrieve card & receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.




FEMALE CUSTOMERS.

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with machine.

3. Re-start stalled car engine.

4. Wind down car window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

6. Turn radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card into machine.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from car.

9. Insert card.

10. Re-insert card correct way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

12. Enter PIN number.

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Check make up in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19. Re-check make up.

20. Drive forwards approx 10 feet.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty handbag, locate purse, place card into card holder.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Drive for 2 or 3 miles.

26. Release handbrake.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
THE PERFECT DUMP
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's
rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

THE BEER DUMP
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too
Many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Open flames are ill advised.....

THE CHILLI DUMP aka THE JAPANESE FLAG
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you
all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like
"a Japanese Flag."

THE EMPTY ROLL DUMP
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?"
Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same
Conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

THE SPLASH BACK DUMP
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now
you're wet and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

THE CHILDBIRTH DUMP
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
Nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!"
There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

THE MACHINE GUN DUMP
Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16.... damn commies.

THE SOUND EFFECT DUMP
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates
are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence.
At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor,
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

THE CLINGER DUMP
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.
You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

THE WHOLE ROLL DUMP
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the
Whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

THE ENCORE DUMP
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

THE HOUDINI DUMP
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down
The pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.


Adrian.

OOOOHHH! Those stripes look really cool!![:eek:)]
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to
show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too
close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and
calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the
Londoner starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how
long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes
his head in disgust:
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he
says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the
Londoner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was
torn off when the truck hit you."

The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........
"F?#KING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........
"Where's my Rolex ????..."

Adrian.

OOOOHHH! Those stripes look really cool!![:eek:)]
 
B

Boo

Guest
If you fancy helping out an old GTIROC Member and Owner, check my little hobby site.

www.DailyDumb.com - Funny Pictures, Games and Movies... and a good bunch of cheeky girls..

Recently added a Forum - www.dailydumb.com/forum

Feel free to get in touch

Hope you're all driving safely... :lol:

Cheers & Enjoy

Ben
 
L

lauries GTI-R

Guest
whats the diff between men and salads
theres none
they all get tosseds once in there life


thats the only one i can think of at the mo
cum on give us some more lol
cheeRS laurie
 
L

lauries GTI-R

Guest
COME ON GUYS

spread some laughter

i think we all could do with some fun
any more jokes

cheeRS LAURIE
 

OZ-Racing

New Member
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty."

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with
when you've got a headache".
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He
Asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I
heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going,
he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
 

OZ-Racing

New Member
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
 
L

lauries GTI-R

Guest
sorry to insult any blondes as my bf is also blonde

but i was emaild these and some of them are class

Q did you hear about the blonde paint?
A its not realy bright,but its cheep,and spreads easy.

Q what did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A NOTHING,they havent met!

Q whats a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A humpme dumpme.

Q why dont blondes use vibrators?
A they chip their teeth.

Q how dose a blonde part there hair?
A by doing the splits.


sorry but i had to share

laurie
 
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